To Arrange or Not to Arrange?

by Eris Field

Photo by Chris Sharp

Marriage is usually thought of as being brought about in one of two ways: love-based marriages and arranged marriages. Love-based marriages are easy to define. They are marriages arranged by the two people to be married--two people who are wildly, deliciously in love. Arranged marriages have greater variety. Traditionally, arranged marriages have been thought of as marriages orchestrated by others—parents, family members, matchmakers, or religious leaders. However, there is an atypical form of arranged marriage, dearly loved by novelists—the marriage of convenience—that is the marriage is arranged by the two people to be married but it is not based on love, definitely not on love or there would be no story. Finally there is the maverick form, On-line Dating, the method used by 40 million Americans to meet suitable partners for the purpose of matrimony. Overall, love-based marriages are more common in the Western World and arranged marriages more common in traditional societies.

In love-based marriages, it is the mutual attraction of the two people for each other that leads to marriage. Their goal is immediate, blissful happiness. Their motto is Love Conquers All. Issues such as expectations of their extended families, whose work with take precedence, how money will be managed, religious practices, where they will live, and previously acquired debts may or may not be discussed by the two of them prior to the marriage.

In contrast, in arranged marriages, the goal is not immediate happiness for the two people being married but long-term well-being and lack of problems for them and, equally important, for the members of both families that are being united by the marriage. It is accepted that, if the selection process is carefully carried out by people who know the couple well and have their best interests in mind, the bride and groom will be well-matched and will come to love each other. The motto in arranged marriages is Love Comes After Marriage. To increase the odds of a trouble-free marriage, it is common for the person arranging the marriage to present the following information about the prospective partner:

1) Reputation of the individual and of all the members of the family,
2) Vocation/career of the individual and how long employed,
3) Wealth of the individual and the family,
4) Physical appearance including grooming,
5) Values such as traditional beliefs or liberal beliefs,
6) Religion, and
7) Medical history of the entire family (possibly to rule out potential mates with a family history of genetically transmitted disorders).

In arranged marriages, it is generally accepted that the couple will have the final say in accepting or rejecting the proposed candidate.

There is a different type of arranged marriage, the forced marriage, in which the couple does not have the final say. Most frequently it is a young girl who is forced to marry against her will. If she refuses, she may face physical punishment, banishment, or death (honor violence). Forced marriages are more common in the Middle East, North Africa, South East Asia, and India; however, they do exist in other countries such as the U.S. and the U.K. among their immigrant populations. The reasons for forced marriages include:

1) To strengthen family or tribal ties,
2) To increase family wealth,
3) Parents’ cultural or religious beliefs,
4) To control behavior of young women (reduce chance of sexual activity),
5) Settle disputes between families/tribes,
6) Make retribution for an injury or insult,
7) Resolve tribal feuds, blood feuds.
8) To help someone gain entry to the U.S. i.e. to get a ‘green card.’

The United Nations views forced marriages as a form of human rights abuse and the practice has been outlawed by many countries.

In comparing the outcomes of love-based marriages and arranged marriages, it appears at first glance that the divorce rate is lower among arranged marriages. However, it should be kept in mind that the acceptance of divorce is lower in the parts of the world where arranged marriages are highest. There have been studies showing that couples who met through on-line dating were happy, loving, and committed. If there is any conclusion to be drawn in considering love-based marriages versus arranged marriages, it seems that the chance of a successful marriage may be increased by knowing more about the person before the marriage takes place.

In my book Lattices of Love Emine Wheeler, a 26-year-old Turkish-American professor of psychiatric nursing, has vowed to marry for love, like her American father. When Emine meets Marc van Etten, a reticent Dutch psychiatrist, at a conference in Amsterdam, she recognizes him as the man she has been waiting for and knows that she can’t live behind the lattices of old harem rules any longer.

Marc, who believes that his colleagues blame him for his wife's suicide, restricts his life to work and caring for the troubled four-year-old girl he calls his daughter. But, when Emine runs into difficulties, he offers his assistance. Emine, ignoring the age-old harem rule that forbids talking or spending time with a man who is not a family member, accepts his help.

Later, when Emine must choose between accepting the family-approved proposal of a man she does not love or damaging her family's honor, Marc offers a solution—marriage. It will save her family’s honor and provide a mother for his daughter.

Believing that her fierce love for Marc will be enough, Emine agrees, only to discover that it is not. When Marc erroneously accuses her of betraying him, she flees. Realizing belatedly that he loves Emine beyond everything in his life, Marc must find a way to win her back.

Here’s a little from Lattices of Love for you.

Emine Wheeler, a 26-year-old Turkish-American professor of psychiatric nursing, has vowed to marry for love, like her American father. When she meets Marc van Etten, a reticent Dutch psychiatrist, at a conference in Amsterdam, she recognizes him as the man she has been waiting for and knows that she can’t live behind the lattices of old harem rules any longer.

Marc, who believes that his colleagues blame him for his wife's suicide, restricts his life to work and caring for the troubled four-year-old girl he calls his daughter. But, when Emine runs into difficulties, he offers his assistance. Emine, ignoring the age-old harem rule that forbids talking or spending time with a man who is not a family member, accepts his help.

Later, when Emine must choose between accepting the family-approved proposal of a man she does not love or damaging her family's honor, Marc offers a solution—marriage. It will save her family’s honor and provide a mother for his daughter.

Believing that her fierce love for Marc will be enough, Emine agrees, only to discover that it is not. When Marc erroneously accuses her of betraying him, she flees. Realizing belatedly that he loves Emine beyond everything in his life, Marc must find a way to win her back.

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Eris Field was born in the Green Mountains of Vermont—Jericho, Vermont to be precise—close by the home of Wilson Bentley (aka Snowflake Bentley), the first person in the world to photograph snowflakes. She learned from her Vermont neighbors that pursuit of one’s dream is a worthwhile life goal.

As a seventeen-year-old student nurse at Albany Hospital, Eris met a Turkish surgical intern who she later married. He told her fascinating stories about the history of Turkey, about the loss of the Ottoman Empire, and about forced population exchanges. After they married and moved to Buffalo, Eris worked as a nurse at Children’s Hospital and at Roswell Park Cancer Institute.

After taking time off to raise five children and amassing rejection letters for her short stories, Eris earned her master’s degree in Psychiatric Nursing at the University at Buffalo. Later, she taught psychiatric nursing at the University and wrote a textbook for psychiatric nurse practitioners—an endeavor requiring a great deal of hard labor.

Eris now writes novels, usually international, contemporary romances. Her interest in history and her experience in psychiatry often play a part in her stories. She is a member of the Romance Writers of America and the Western New York Romance Writers. In addition to writing, her interests include Honor Killings, eradicating female genital mutilation, supporting the Crossroads Springs Orphanage in Kenya for children orphaned by AIDS, and learning more about the old cities of the world.

Learn more about Eris Field on her website. Stay connected on Facebook.

PICNIC POWER

by Eris Field

Picnics have long been known to have the power to move wooing to marriage. Wooing or courting is different from dating. It is the process by which one person, having decided that he/she has found an acceptable life partner, convinces the other person that they should forsake all others and move forward toward marriage.

In the past, a certain hierarchy of enticements was used by a gentleman wooing a lady. Love letters written in perfect penmanship on personal stationery was often the opening salvo. Unlike email or text messages, letters could be stroked, sniffed, hidden in bodices, tucked under pillows, and read repeatedly by candlelight.

Photo by John Kasawa

Candy and flowers followed. Boxes of candy—carefully selected candies nestled in elaborately decorated boxes were delivered to the lady with a brief message written on a card. The language of flowers was carefully studied so that the right message would be conveyed by the bouquet.

While letters, candy, and flowers were effective, they took time. A gentleman determined to marry, and soon, pulled out the heavy artillery—the picnic. Picnics have two elements—seeming innocence and surprise. The gentleman would not disclose the destination or the contents of the picnic basket. Please note it was a basket not a cooler, Styrofoam chest, backpack, or plastic bag from the deli. The gentleman carried a blanket over one arm that had the purpose of keeping grass stains off the lady’s dress and the picnic basket over the other arm.

Contents of the basket included the essentials: a bottle or two of wine, two glasses, napkins, and delicious food that was usually not encountered at regular meals and so had a slightly forbidden quality. Tempting items included: crisp bread or rolls, cheeses (Brie, Gruyere, Provolone or Jarlsberg), thinly sliced smoked turkey, cold fried chicken, prosciutto, Lebanon salami, hard boiled eggs, olives, nuts, and fruits. The basket always held the lady’s favorite dessert.

Picnic settings, with careful planning, were private and, with the blanket, fairly comfortable. The wine was crisp and the food delicious. In fact, over time it was found that a properly planned picnic had a fairly strong correlation with marriage.

In my contemporary novel, The Gift of Love, psychiatrist Andrew, in a hurry to convince Laurel to marry him, finds himself using his elderly Aunt’s courting instructions, including the picnic.

Laurel, a slightly impulsive pediatric nurse who spent her early years in foster care, dreams of having a family of her own—six children, no men in the dream. Laurel doesn’t just dream, she has a plan—stop her stepsister’s compulsive hoarding, clear out the mountains of paper engulfing every room, and sell the old house that is pushing her toward bankruptcy. As a last resort, she raids her retirement fund to go to a conference on the newest treatments for compulsive hoarding.

Andrew, a psychiatrist, is never impulsive. A reticent, somewhat austere man, he limits his interactions with people to his work. About to leave for the conference where he has agreed to fill in for a colleague, he suddenly finds himself the reluctant caretaker of a two and a half year old boy.

When they first meet, a series of unfortunate events cause Laure to view Andrew as arrogant, rude, but disturbingly attractive, while Andrew to view Laurel as a dangerous distraction to be avoided. Faced with a crisis, they are forced work together, but will they be able to put aside their protective armor and trust each other enough to let love in?

Amazon Buy Link

Eris Field was born in the Green Mountains of Vermont—Jericho, Vermont to be precise—close by the home of Wilson Bentley (aka Snowflake Bentley), the first person in the world to photograph snowflakes. She learned from her Vermont neighbors that pursuit of one’s dream is a worthwhile life goal.

As a seventeen year old student nurse at Albany Hospital, Eris met a Turkish surgical intern who told her fascinating stories about the history of Turkey, the loss of the Ottoman Empire, and forced population exchanges. After they married and moved to Buffalo, Eris worked as a nurse at Children’s Hospital and at Roswell Park Cancer Institute.

After taking time off to raise five children and amassing rejection letters for her short stories, Eris earned her master’s degree in Psychiatric Nursing at the University at Buffalo. Later, she taught psychiatric nursing at the University and wrote a textbook for psychiatric nurse practitioners—a wonderful rewarding but never to be repeated experience.

Eris now writes novels, usually international, contemporary romances. Her interest in history and her experience in psychiatry often play a part in her stories. She is a member of the Romance Writers of America and the Western New York Romance Writers. In addition to writing, Eris’s interests include: Prevention of Psychiatric Disorders; Eradicating Honor Killings, supporting the Crossroads Springs Orphanage in Kenya for children orphaned by AIDS, and learning more about Turkey, Cyprus, and Kurdistan.

Learn more about Eris Field on her website. Stay connected on Facebook.

Dining Turkish Style

from Eris Field

Kadin Budu Kofte or Ladies Thighs are a delightfully different meatball and each Turkish grandmother has a special recipe. In my novel, Lattices of Love, the heroine, Emine, kicks a hole in the lattices formed by her Turkish grandmother’s harem rules refusing to marry the man her grandmother has chosen, but, she discovers that it is not easy to gain the love of the man she chooses instead. She goes into battle with the ammunition at her disposal. For the first round, she uses the recipe for her grandmother’s famous Kadin Budu Kofte.

For a delicious summer meal, try Kadin Budu Kofte and roasted layered vegetables topped with Cucuk, a Turkish dish of yogurt and diced Persian cucumbers.

Make the Layered Vegetables and Cucuk first. Let them stand while you make the meat balls.

Kadin Budu Kofte
1 cup cooked rice, cooled
1½ pound ground lamb, or beef, or a mixture of lamb and beef
1 medium yellow onion, chopped fine
½ tsp salt
¼ tsp pepper
3 ounces of a soft white cheese grated (any soft white cheese)
1 tbsp. dill, chopped
½ cup parsley, chopped
1 egg, beaten

Mix the ingredients together in a medium-size bowl. Knead until the mixture is a smooth paste.
Shape into egg shaped meat balls and place on a rimmed plate.

Pour the egg over the meat balls.

Fry them in medium-hot vegetable oil until done. Turn to brown all sides. Cook 6 minutes or so. You want them done but not dried out.

Layered Vegetables
1 medium red onion, chopped coarsely
1 slender eggplant, cut into ½ inch cubes
1 yellow pepper, cut into ½ inch cubes
1 red pepper, cut into ½ inch cubes
1 slim zucchini, cut into ½ inch cubes leave skin on
2 cloves garlic, crushed
2 tbsp. olive oil
2 tsp. dried oregano or dried thyme
½ tsp. salt
⅛ tsp. red pepper

Preheat oven to 400°F.

Scatter onion in a shallow baking dish. Add the remaining vegetables and the garlic.

Sprinkle olive oil, your herb of choice, salt and red pepper over the vegetables. Gently toss together.

Bake for 45 minutes, stirring once after 20 minutes.

Cucuk
2 cups yogurt
2 Persian cucumbers (small cucumbers) or ½ an English cucumber, leave the skin on and diced fine
½ tsp salt
Olive oil
Chives, chopped

Put two cups of yogurt into a serving bowl. Stir until smooth. Add the cucumber and salt. Mix well.

Just before serving, drizzle olive oil over the top and add chives. Cucuk is served at room temperature and a spoonful is placed on the top of the baked vegetables.

Here’s a little from Lattices of Love for you.

Emine Wheeler, a 26-year-old Turkish-American professor of psychiatric nursing, has vowed to marry for love, like her American father. When she meets Marc van Etten, a reticent Dutch psychiatrist, at a conference in Amsterdam, she recognizes him as the man she has been waiting for and knows that she can’t live behind the lattices of old harem rules any longer.

Marc, who believes that his colleagues blame him for his wife's suicide, restricts his life to work and caring for the troubled four-year-old girl he calls his daughter. But, when Emine runs into difficulties, he offers his assistance. Emine, ignoring the age-old harem rule that forbids talking or spending time with a man who is not a family member, accepts his help.

Later, when Emine must choose between accepting the family-approved proposal of a man she does not love or damaging her family's honor, Marc offers a solution—marriage. It will save her family’s honor and provide a mother for his daughter.

Believing that her fierce love for Marc will be enough, Emine agrees, only to discover that it is not. When Marc erroneously accuses her of betraying him, she flees. Realizing belatedly that he loves Emine beyond everything in his life, Marc must find a way to win her back.

Amazon Buy Link

Eris Field was born in the Green Mountains of Vermont—Jericho, Vermont to be precise—close by the home of Wilson Bentley (aka Snowflake Bentley), the first person in the world to photograph snowflakes. She learned from her Vermont neighbors that pursuit of one’s dream is a worthwhile life goal.

As a seventeen-year-old student nurse at Albany Hospital, Eris met a Turkish surgical intern who she later married. He told her fascinating stories about the history of Turkey, about the loss of the Ottoman Empire, and about forced population exchanges. After they married and moved to Buffalo, Eris worked as a nurse at Children’s Hospital and at Roswell Park Cancer Institute.

After taking time off to raise five children and amassing rejection letters for her short stories, Eris earned her master’s degree in Psychiatric Nursing at the University at Buffalo. Later, she taught psychiatric nursing at the University and wrote a textbook for psychiatric nurse practitioners—an endeavor requiring a great deal of hard labor.

Eris now writes novels, usually international, contemporary romances. Her interest in history and her experience in psychiatry often play a part in her stories. She is a member of the Romance Writers of America and the Western New York Romance Writers. In addition to writing, her interests include Honor Killings, eradicating female genital mutilation, supporting the Crossroads Springs Orphanage in Kenya for children orphaned by AIDS, and learning more about the old cities of the world.

Learn more about Eris Field on her website. Stay connected on Facebook.